


Not Yet

by CommanderGay



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:37:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderGay/pseuds/CommanderGay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr request based off of this line: "I should've known 'not yet' did not mean I should wait for you, Clarke."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Yet

**Author's Note:**

> “I should have known ‘not yet’ did not mean I should wait for you, Clarke.” The words are more broken than she meant, but there was no turning back now. She had to get it off of her chest.

It was weeks after the fall of the Mountain. They conquered the Mountain with minor casualties, spared the children and their inside allies and anyone and everyone who surrendered. They had rescued their people; _both_ of their people. The Sky People were all mostly back in what was now being called Arkadia and the Grounders had been dispersed to the nearest villages to recovery before being sent back to their own clans and homes. All was well; peace had been acquired.

They had left for Polis a week after it happened; Clarke, Abby, Octavia, Bellamy, Raven, Kane, Lincoln, and a few more Sky People. Lexa watched Clarke from a close distance, watching her interact with the people of Polis who thought her to be a hero and a savior. And she was a hero and a savior. Lexa watched her smile such a bright smile she had not seen on her during their time of war and it was so captivating that Lexa would find herself smiling as well. When their eyes would meet, it was like a typhoon crashing into Lexa’s chest, sweeping the air from her lungs and making her lightheaded.

But Clarke had not approached her. Lexa watched as a girl whose name she vaguely knew to be Nylah step up to Clarke. She watched as Clarke’s smile was given up to her so easily as Nylah spoke to her. She watched as the trade post worker placed her hand so delicately on Clarke’s arm and she watched as Clarke did not pull away. She watched the time they spent dancing together and laughing together and she watched as Nylah whispered into Clarke’s ear. She watched as Clarke took her by the hand and pulled her toward the tower Lexa had given her a room in. The tower in which Lexa stayed just a room away in.

Lexa switched quarters with Indra that night.

Nylah was the first person to bed Clarke, but she wasn’t the last. Indra and Lexa switched rooms more and more as the weeks went by; a few times, Indra would catch Clarke with someone before Lexa would and she’d automatically come to her quarters. A knock on Lexa’s door would echo through the room and Indra would stand there and simply nod to her and she immediately understood. With watery eyes looking anywhere but at her General, Lexa would walk past her and out of sight.

They _did_ still speak; Clarke would come to Lexa’s room or Lexa would go to hers and they would spend a bit of the day in each other’s presence, allowing themselves the time of freedom they had together. Lexa would watch Clarke draw and paint and Clarke would watch Lexa clean her swords or read. Lexa would take Clarke out around the city and show her the market stands and the buildings and watch as Clarke’s face would light up.

But come night and come another party somewhere in the big city that seemed to never sleep, Clarke would find someone else for the comfort she needed, and eventually, Lexa grew exhausted of holding it all in; and Clarke noticed. Clarke noticed when Lexa's visits to her room slowly started to diminish. She noticed the way Lexa started calling her _Ambassador_ more than her own name. (The 12 clans had unanimously voted for _Skaikru_ to become the 13th clan in the coalition.) She noticed when she started to see less and less of the Commander and even less of _Lexa_. And this was not okay.

“You wished to see me, Ambassador?” Lexa says to Clarke who is facing the easel Lexa had gifted her with upon her first night in Polis.

Clarke turns around to face her and almost forgets what she called her in for when she sees the stoic look on the Commander’s face that was always up for everyone _but_ her.

“Yes- I uh..” Clarke stumbles over her words and stops to breathe. Only, it takes longer to speak than excepted and Lexa raises her brows at her, waiting.

“Did you need something, Clarke?” Lexa asks, growing impatient. Clarke is only staring at her and, though she loves the color in her eyes more than the color of the sky itself, she wants to get whatever this is over with quick. The more she looked at Clarke, the more it hurt her.

Clarke finally seems to regain her composure. “Something is wrong.” She says.

“What is wrong?”

Clarke eyes Lexa’s detached look. “Something is wrong with _you_.”

Lexa’s eyebrows jump to her hairline at her words. “I beg your pardon?”

Clarke sighs. “Lexa, I know you. I can tell something is going on in that head of yours. I haven’t been seeing you as much anymore and you’re avoiding me.”

“I am not avoiding you.” Lexa says, her eyes glancing at the entrance of the room as she thought up a getaway plan. “I am the Commander. I am busy and cannot always entertain you with my presence.”

“That’s not it, I know it.” Clarke challenges. “You’re busy, yes, but not _that_ busy. You see me across the hall and turn the other way so you don’t have to walk by me. You barely look at me anymore. Like right now, you’re still not looking at me.”

Lexa’s eyes shoot up to meet Clarke’s after being caught looking outside. The balcony sure did look quite inviting to jump off of right now.

“Lexa…” Clarke takes a step closer to her. “Please just tell me what it is. Did I offend you in some way?”

“You did not offend me, Clarke. Nothing is wrong.” Lexa says again, but she knows Clarke can see right through the lie. “Now I must go.. tend to something.” Lexa turns to leave.

“Don’t you leave, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice is hard now and Lexa finds herself obeying. She refuses to turn around, however, as her face is burning up from holding in the things she wants to say and the feelings she doesn’t want to show. But she can’t help it.

“It is getting late.” Lexa says. “I would not want to hold you up from your pursuers.” It slips out laced in venom and she curses herself for letting the blonde weaken her so damn much.

“What the hell, Lexa??” Clarke is taken aback by her words, the sting surely burning her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean??”

“It means what it means.” Lexa says, still refusing to turn to her. “I do not want to waste your time when you want to be draped around some man or woman instead.” She knows she’s being childish, but she can’t keep it down anymore.

“Lexa?” Clarke doesn’t know whether to be hurt or pissed at Lexa’s words. She means for her tone to be more aggressive than it is, but it comes out in almost a whispered question.

Lexa looks up to the ceiling, forcing the salt water to stay in her eyes and she sucks in a lungful of air before turning to look at Clarke’s stunned face.

“I should have known _‘not yet’_ did not mean I should wait for you, Clarke.” She says, and it comes out more broken than she wishes it to be.

“Lexa- I…” Clarke can’t find her words. (They wouldn’t even be able to come out from the sudden knot in her throat.) Her vision is starting to blur and she doesn’t even care if the tears escape with the pained and broken look Lexa is giving her.

“You said you were not ready to be with anyone, Clarke.” Lexa whispers. “I thought that meant that one day-” She stopped and swallowed hard before continuing. “Someday.. you would be ready… To be with _me_.”

Clarke still says nothing.

“And it seems as though you are ready to be with to someone. _Anyone_ that is not me.” Lexa’s voice breaks again and she has to pull her eyes away from Clarke’s and to the ceiling to fight back those damn tears again. When she looks back down she finds that Clarke’s cheeks are wet with streaks that she doesn’t bother wiping away.

“I am patient, Clarke. But I am only human.”

Clarke opens her mouth to speak, but words are not capable of leaving her tight throat anymore.

“Tell me.” Lexa says, and her voice doesn’t sound like hers anymore. She sounds like she’s under water now and the ball in her throat is making it harder and harder to speak. "Am I wasting my time? Because I cannot sit here and wait and watch you bring person to person in here.”

When Clarke doesn’t say anything, it’s enough of an answer for Lexa to leave. She nods her head once and turns back to the door. Her hand is on the knob when Clarke’s voice finally breaks through its barrier.

“I am scared.” She says. Lexa turns back to her slowly. Clarke’s eyes are rimmed red now and her blue eyes are almost transparent from how clear they are. “I get with these other people because - because I don’t have a connection to them. I don’t feel.. _drawn_ to them like I do to you. I take comfort in knowing that I won’t see them again when they walk out of here in the morning. I don’t have any feelings with these other people. It means _nothing_ and I like that.” She takes a step closer to Lexa. “I haven’t been sure if I am ready to be with anyone in the way you mean. The last person I loved broke my heart. I am scared of something like that happening again, Lexa.”

She was only a couple of steps away from Lexa when she stopped. “You cannot let one relationship control what you do with future ones you could have, Clarke.” Lexa says sadly.

“Look who’s talking.” Clarke says quietly.

Lexa huffs out a shaky breath and nods sadly. She’s about to turn back to the door again when Clarke takes the last steps toward her and grabs at her hand. She turns back to face Clarke and the tears start slipping down her own cheeks.

“Lexa…” Clarke whispers. “I’m sorry I’ve been doing this to you… I didn’t know it was hurting you this much.” She reaches her free hand up to cup Lexa’s cheek. “Please… You’re not wasting your time. I haven’t come to you about this because I’m scared. I’m scared of my feelings for you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and it _terrifies_ me. But seeing you like this.. I’m not scared anymore. I’m sorry for hurting you, Lexa, but I’m ready.”

Lexa looks her dead in the eye, unsure if she heard her correctly. “What?”

Clarke lets go of Lexa’s hand and brings it up to cup her other cheek too. “I’m ready to be with you. In the way you mean. I’m ready for it now.”

Lexa’s delicately places her hands on Clarke’s waist and a smile forms on her face. “Really?”

Clarke smiles back, blinking loose the tears in her eyes. “Really.” And she leans in and captures Lexa’s wet lips.

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to had a sad ending where Clarke just says sorry and Lexa leaves, but I changed it at the last minute so I hope you're all happy!  
> Follow me on Tumblr and Twitter @ Itsthecommander


End file.
